I should probably confess that prayer is one of the most difficult of all the means of connecting with God.
In fact, right now I prefer to sit in silence than squeeze out a prayer.
Wait. Maybe those are one and the same.
I wrote this in my journal recently:
…the truth is that I’m still not seeing You anywhere in all this. I don’t mean to offend You. I don’t mean to hurt You. I just don’t see You.
So, God, if You’re in this room with me: “where?”
Sometimes prayer feels like I’m standing in a dark room and I know that someone else is there, but I can’t hear them or see them or touch them. All I know to do is ask “where?” and hope for an answer. And keep asking, until I get an answer. This question is not a denial of their presence; in fact, it indicates a belief that someone is actually there. More doubt is shown in not asking at all–in not requesting an answer. To ask is to extend an interaction. To ask is to assume that someone is there in that dark room that will answer. To ask is to take a step of faith.
In all my prayerlessness these days, I’ve surprised myself with a few honest moments of interaction. And that day in my journal, and that day in my own soul, I felt a quiet wash of peace over my life and circumstances and faith when I simply asked “where?”
You know, in hindsight, that might’ve been one of the most important prayers I’ve ever prayed.
That’s me—all blind and wanting to see.
What about you? Do any of you ever feel like you’re standing in a room in the dark trying to find the One who’s in the room with you?